


That time Padmé almost murdered Anakin and also there was a mummy

by Redlala



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Awesome Padmé Amidala, Darth Maul Lives, Darth Maul lives in the sense that he is a mummy, F/F, Human Disaster Anakin Skywalker, Human Disaster Obi-Wan Kenobi, M/M, Minor Padmé Amidala/Anakin Skywalker, The Mummy AU, Who else was going to repeatedly come back from the dead and attack Obi-wan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-12
Updated: 2020-06-12
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:01:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24675772
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Redlala/pseuds/Redlala
Summary: Obi-wan is flustered and obliviousAnakin is a shapeshifting dumpster firePadmé is fluctuating between supportive and feralAnd Sabé is just so doneAlso Darth Maul is a Mummy because
Relationships: Obi-Wan Kenobi/Anakin Skywalker, Padmé Amidala & Anakin Skywalker, Padmé Amidala/Sabé
Comments: 10
Kudos: 115





	That time Padmé almost murdered Anakin and also there was a mummy

**Author's Note:**

  * For [intermundia](https://archiveofourown.org/users/intermundia/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Prompted](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24313936) by [intermundia](https://archiveofourown.org/users/intermundia/pseuds/intermundia). 



> In which I got inspired by intermundia's Mummy AU and agreed with other people that Padmé's point of view would be hilarious. intermundia then made the mistake of saying you should definitely write that. 
> 
> There is no smut because I don't have that talent and also Anakin Skywalker refuses to let anyone else get laid while he isn't
> 
> Also spot the Buffy reference

The scruffy blond man is kissing her like he wants to be devoured and for a moment Padmé sees a different future. One where she bends him over a back table in Obi-wan’s library and tells him to be quiet, so they don’t get caught. She thinks he would like the phallus she had commissioned for her and Sabé to play with. Only a moment though because Sabé’s knives and perfect breasts can’t be replaced by a destructive love from a man who is already staring at her brother. She decides they’ll keep him after the guards knock him unconscious and Obi-wan is adorable and flushed. He deserves something nice, and he always took such good care of her.

\------

Later when Anakin is cleaned up, and they are on a boat headed to Hamunaptra, he stops her with a hand on her arm Sabé tenses behind her and he quickly removes it taking a step back. Gone is the devil may care adventurer and he is instead fiddling with his ear nervously stammering out an apology.

“Sorry, I shouldn’t have kissed you. I shouldn’t have assumed. I…that is to say…sorry both of you I didn’t realize you were together…not that I should have kissed you anyways…and I ah get it…what I mean is Obi-wan has nice arms and those are good arms to have…um and consent is important…just sorry and I’m going to stop talking now”

She feels warm all of a sudden. It’s not that she hides or is ashamed of Sabé but Obi-wan has somehow never noticed and it feels so good to be seen. Sabé doesn’t smile or change her body language. She does tell Anakin they are about to go play cards with the Americans 

“Wanna get drunk and start a fight”

“Force yes!” 

Sabé has decided to keep him too.

\------

Anakin steals a brush kit for Obi-wan from the Americans causing Obi-wan to turn a shade of pink she had not realized was possible. Anakin gets this stupid look on his face and almost runs into a wall when Obi-wan figures out how to steal the mummy. 

The way they dance around each other is adorable

\------

Anakin will not stop sighing and mentioning things Obi-wan told him. Obi-wan keeps gazing at him, drinking all her whiskey, and dropping his robe everywhere. She now has a headache, is out of whiskey, and wondering who even conducts an archeological dig in a bathrobe? She must have said the last bit out loud because Obi-wan is huffing and storming away. 

They are the single most obnoxious people on the planet and now there is a homicidal mummy trying to kill them all

\-------

They are back in Cairo, not dead, and now it is just her and Sabé’s delightfully torturous fingers getting closer and closer until the door opens. Anakin face plants into their bed next to them. Sabé recovers first because of course she does, she wasn’t the one in route to nirvana. 

“Excuse me!” 

Anakin actually has the gall to moan in despair and gesture for them to continue. “Someone should feel loved.” 

WTF! What the actual Fuck! It’s like he has imprinted on her like a baby duck. Is that a thing that happens when a man-child kisses you right before being executed?! She would ask Obi-wan, it is probably in one of his precious books, but she is currently thinking about how it would feel to set them both on fire. Why can’t they talk about their feelings like the overachiever Obi-wan claims to be or get blackout drunk and screw like everyone else?! 

Obi wan races in to let them know that (a) the mummy is not dead – of course it isn’t and (b) it is sucking the life force out of the Americans and turning them in to gross skin sacks. Anakin then does the shapeshifty thing he does where he transforms from a pathetic lifeform in need of rescue into a representation of Achilles from one of Obi-wan’s ancient vases. Obi-wan by this point has figured out that Anakin was on her bed, had selective amnesia about Sabé also being on her bed, had a fit of piqué at Anakin’s protectiveness, and stormed out of the room after dramatically dropping his robe. Again. Anakin rushes after him. 

“We could have just gotten a dog you know?”

“Maybe the Mummy will get them”

“We aren’t that lucky”

\------

So, there are plagues now, ten in fact. Anakin only came with one, but it was never getting laid again even though her girlfriend is perfect, which is worse. Obi-wan is staring desperately at him while Anakin has a minor meltdown about sand, instead of any of their actual problems.

“You’re sick” she hisses at Obi-wan

Anakin of course hears, throws himself across the room, cradles Obi-wan’s face in his hands, stares deep into his eyes and promises they will find a cure even if Anakin has to kill the mummy himself.

“I’m not sick. I’m fine Anakin, really”

“You’re not, but you will be”

Anakin is the absolute worst!

\------

Obi-wan gets kidnapped by the mummy because of course he does. Obi-wan is a complete nightmare, but he is her nightmare and she is going to rescramble that freak’s brain and pull it out of his nose all over again. Well, she is, just as soon as she can get Anakin to stop rage crying. 

\------

On the boat back to Hamunaptra to save Obi-wan and destroy the mummy for even thinking about touching him, she and Sabé don’t even bother trying to keep Anakin out of their room. He has repeatedly proven he can pick locks and doesn’t have boundaries. He is currently laying next to her looking like the mangiest, most underfed puppy who ever lived that has been repeatedly kicked and no longer believes in kindness.

“I’ll just go back to my room. I don’t want to be a burden. It’s not like Obi-wan is my anything!”

“Fine you can stay” 

She isn’t a complete monster and they are all worried about Obi-wan. Instead of being grateful and going to sleep, he starts sighing and somehow looking more pathetic. She gives up. His eyes get even bigger. How is that possible? Sabé is also powerless.

“Alright you can sleep in the middle”

Anakin is asleep in minutes. He hogs all the covers and neither she nor Sabé get any rest due to his elbows. 

\------

Obi-wan is safe. The mummy is dead? deader? Re-dead? The mummy is no longer a problem. 

Finally, she and Sabé can get some time alone as they float back to Cairo. Anakin barges in with his bag. WHY! She just wants to make love to her girlfriend. What could she have possibly done in a past life to deserve this? She is going to cry. Anakin opens his mouth and Sabé loses it.

“I swear to god Anakin, if you don’t get out of here this second, I’m going to go Clytemnestra on your ass! And don’t you dare widen your eyes at me!”

“Sabé”

“But we don’t have a daughter” 

“Clytemnestra, really Sabé”

“What can I say Obi-wan is good at telling stories”

“Yeah he is! And I’m going to go tell him that and then we are going to make love and live happily ever after”

“Great. Now get out!”

“Barricade the door?”

“Barricade the door!”

**Author's Note:**

> I know Maul's name never came up in the fic but Padme had other things on her mind


End file.
